White Flag

I believe in a lot of things.  I know that God lives and believe in His priesthood power.  I also believe that we as humans possess more power than we will ever comprehend in this life.  Call it "the universe", call it the Law of Attraction but I know that there is a power out there that we can tap into and reign in through our own thoughts and energy.  "Energy flows where attention goes."  We have the power to change or create so much in our lives.  But mastering that habit, that mindset can be a lifelong journey. 

One of my favorite Oprah moments has to do with this topic.  Several years ago, she told this story on her show.  She had recently auditioned for a movie role.  I believe it was for The Color Purple.  She had spent days and days wondering and worrying and trying to predict if she would end up with it.  One day she was out for a walk and of course was thinking about it.  All of a sudden, she had one of her aha moments where she decided to just let it go.  "In that moment," she said, " I decided to surrender.  I looked up into the heavens, closed my eyes and said- I surrender this to you."   She walked home and within minutes of returning, the phone rang and the movie studio offered her the role. 

For some reason, this story has always stuck with me. At the time I heard it, I knew nothing of quantum physics, didn't know a thing about energy work and certainly never heard of the Law of Attraction.  But as I have come to be familiar in all those areas over the last few years, this story is even more precious to me than ever.  Because we really do hold that much power.  "That which we resist, persists."

The last few days have been emotionally and mentally draining for me.  I have been racking my brain trying to come up with a game plan as to how this pregnancy is going to end.  There are several different options with so many big factors still up in the air, that the more I tried to put pieces together, the more overwhelmed, frustrated and alone I felt.  I have been prompted so strongly throughout this pregnancy about so many things and then all of a sudden, I feel like I no longer have the answers, the most important answers of all, and it's all up to me to figure it out and be right. 

This morning, I talked with Royek about a few things.  After our conversation and me talking it over with Dallin, this is where things stand: 
-if the twins stay transverse, we will schedule a section for oct. 5.
-if we can get them to turn, we'll give them a few extra days to simmer, induce on oct.7
-if they are both heads down, AWESOME!  IF baby B is breech, Royek wants me to have an epidural so that baby B can be manually extracted.  Vaginally delivering a breech baby doesn't seem like an option around here and when I asked about how much time he would give the second to be born, he really didn't answer the question. 

SO- where does that leave us?  Most ideal situation- both babies turn head down and stay that way.  I will do whatever I can in my power to get them there- several inversions a day, pep talks, visualization and I'm going to write a letter to the twins today about it.  Sounds weird but it is just another form of visual therapy that has proven to be quite successful. 

Other than that, I surrender.  There is nothing more that I can do, nothing more that I can plan beyond that point.  We will continue to pray and have faith of course.  But trying to control or manipulate anything else is  not an option and I surrender. Sure there is always a slight chance that I will go into labor before 34 weeks but I really feel that the Lord put me in the hospital to keep these babies safe and growing.  These are special little spirits with big work to do in their lifetime for the Lord and He could not risk them being born too early.  Had I stayed at home, it is almost inevitable that I would have delivered them by now.  So I will surrender my will to His, I will do everything in my power that I can to create the ideal delivery for us and He will take care of the rest.