On the way up...nope, scratch that. back down we go...

I'm in a funk right now so please excuse my glum but this is the latest report from today. 

I had a horrible night last night.  I had heart burn, couldn't get comfortable, had to pee every 5.6 seconds, etc etc etc.  Just as I was calming down somewhere after 1, the thunder started which woke Dace up and he started crying.  I fetched him quickly and whisked him into bed with me.  I didn't want Zade waking up from the crying.  He fell sound asleep within minutes then the storm really kicked in.  Constant lightning and thunder that was so loud it was shaking the house and made me jump.  At one point, it even startled the twins and both woke up and kicked around for a couple minutes.  All three boys in the house were fast asleep as I paced to calm the twins and hopefully wind myself down.  Somewhere after 3, the storm stopped and I finally fell asleep. 

I waited all morning for Jill, my midwife, to call me with the report from yesterday's meeting with the docs.  She had great news- McCleoud was more than happy to take me on, he wonders why everyone is afraid of breech babies because he isn't AND as long as everything went fine in my pregnancy, the delivery would not take place in the OR with a double set up.  That news almost made me cry.  I was so excited and relieved and felt like this was the way it was supposed to be.  Jill would attend as my doula and friend and that was totally fine with him but she would not play an active role in the delivery.  I was totally fine with all of it and exhaled, feeling like I finally had a birth plan in order and a goal in site.

Wrong

Wrong, wrong.

His clinic called me to set up an appt but they do not accept South Carolina medicaid.  All air sucked out of my sails. 

If we were to still work with him, the entire prenatal and delivery would be $2K cash, labs and ultrasounds extra. 

Well how on earth could we ever manage that given the rest of our situation at the moment and the fact that we need to upgrade our vehicle to a 7 seat SUV or minivan within the next 3 months as well?!?!?!?!?

Oh and I forgot to mention we had to make a mad dash out of the house this morning for the first viewing.  It's been listed a day and it's already showing.  great.  Plus the price on it is ridiculously cheap.  That realtor better be right in the fact that we'll have at least 6 months here.....

So needless to say after my call with the clinic, I was close to the edge.  Seriously?!  Really?!  how much is one girl supposed to be able to take?!  Can I get thrown a break here, anywhere, somewhere?!

I have calmed down a bit since then, it's been 5 hours.  But I am still bummed out and totally out of ideas.  I have NO CLUE as to what I am supposed to do with this birth and I hate that feeling.  Jill really doesn;t want me to stay on the island because they have an 80% Csection rate and that is the one thing we want to avoid if at all possible.  I hope to meet with the 2 suggestions that our peds gave us last night but what if their clinics don't take medicaid either? 

I feel trapped and I don't like it.  I feel like I have all of this on my shoulders all on my own and I am supposed to figure it all out and do it all myself and survive and stay sane and stay healthy and unstressed while carrying twins.  ha! 

Yes I sound pessimistic but I really haven't given up faith or hope.  I know it will all work out the way it is supposed to.  I just can't see any of it right now.  I am overwhelmed, overtired and after 3 very long and trying weeks, I've hit my wall.  I am only human.