This exact moment, 4 years ago, I was at the birth center with Dallin, my mom, and my amazing midwife Jill. I was in the birth tub and only a couple hours away from becoming a mother and meeting Dace for the first time.
Dace was due on May 21, 2008. Jill always told us that babies are never late or early; they are always right on time. But May 21 came and went and I was ticked and disappointed. I really, truly felt like he was going to be born right around that date. My mom had arrived the week before and I wanted as much time with her as possible after he was born before she had to go home. She could stay for 3 weeks and that time seemed to be quickly depleting.
Tuesday, May 27 - I woke up from a quick nap on the couch at 3:08pm to what I knew was a contraction. I knew it because it was different. I wrote it down and started keeping track of when they happened. They were sporadic at best but they still gave me hope. This had to be it! Finally. We carried on as usual for the evening and went to bed. I didn't sleep. Contractions continued and the excitement began to grow. I got about an hour and a half all night. Finally, at 6 I called my midwife and gave her the update. Things weren't consistent enough to bother coming in. The magic number was contractions every 5 minutes for an hour.
So we went about our day. I tried to eat, tried to sleep, tried to keep busy by playing cards with Dallin and mom but nothing really helped. By mid afternoon, Dallin convinced me to lay down in bed, close the curtains and really try to get some sleep. I didn't sleep, but the rest did enough for my body that the contractions started coming regularly. i called Jill and she gave me the go ahead to come in. She was just getting home off a shift and so we would meet at the center at 6pm. We packed the van, got ready, prayed and left.
The drive there, about an hour, was an interesting one. Because I had taken hypnobirthing classes, I totally turned inward to concentrate through the contractions, breathing through them, staying focused on the present second and not worrying about future discomfort. It was hard for me to stay seated because when those contractions came, I just wanted to be on my feet and allow gravity to draw that baby down.
When we finally got to the center, my photographer Suz was right behind us and Jill arrived a few minutes after that. After having contractions for over 24 hours, I was excited to see how far along I had progressed. I was heartbroken when Jill announced a 4. Surely that amount of time would grant me at least a 6, I had thought. She stretched me a little to encourage progression then sent us to get something to eat. I was not in the mood. I was in the mood to have this baby! The stretch did wonders and the contractions intensified. I wanted to be on my feet but I did not want to be in public. We had gone down the street to a chinese buffet and I remember walking to our table and having a contraction and doing my best to look and act normal when really I wanted to lean over something and moan and sway til it passed.
I tried to eat but they were stronger and quicker now and I wanted to get out of there. Dallin and I attmepted to go for a drive and to walk around Walmart, another suggestion but I couldn't stand being in the car that long, only a few blocks away. I wanted to be at the center. I wanted to be away from everyone and focus on what my body was trying to do.
We got back to the birth center and set up camp. Then I just started pacing. I paced and paced and paced. When a contraction hit, I leaned on my knees, breathed deep and swayed til it was over. Then I paced some more. We were the only ones there that night so it was very intimate, relaxed and personal.
I was getting tired around 10 and tried sitting on a birthing ball. That was fine til a contraction hit then I just wanted to be on my feet. I was starting to feel so very, very tired and for the first time, the thought crossed my mind- I don't know how much longer I can handle this. Thankfully, I recognized that thought as soon as I had it and because of my training, I knew what to do with it. I told Jill I needed to change things up and have a bit of pain relief. So I got in the shower and put the shower head on my stomach. The warm water was so relaxing and comforting. After sitting in there for a while, I laid on the bed and put my hypnobirthing cd on. The first track was affirmations, the second a relaxation visualization. Because I had been listening to this for months, as soon as I heard it I instantly relaxed and even fell asleep for a few short minutes.
When I woke up, there was a new sensation - I wanted to push. I told Jill and she checked me again. I was close to an 8. I was ready to get in the tub.
As the water ran, the reality of the situation became extremely powerful and spiritual. I knew that I was minutes from getting into that tub and the next time I was out, I would be a mother and my life would be forever changed.
the tub was beautiful. There is a reason they call it an aquadural. It felt so good to be in there, I will recommend water births until the day I die. Because Jill had to break my water to check for meconium so that I could have a water birth, the contractions started picking up and the strength and urgency were unfamiliar. I didn't know what to do with it. I was afraid to embrace it even though I knew I needed to. I did a lot of growling/moaning at that point. Jill came in to talk to me and told me what was going on and what I should do. She sat beside me, Dallin on the other and my mom at my feet. Heidi, my nurse, was behind my head and Suz was so great at capturing the moment but never disturbing it.
For the most part, I laid there with my eyes closed, completely turned inward and focusing on getting through the contraction and completely relaxing in between. He was getting closer and suddenly I was very, very tired. I hadn't eaten and had barely slept for 2 days and was nearly the 36th hour from my first contraction. So I prayed. "Heavenly Father, I need thee. I need there more than I have ever known before. It's time for this baby to come. Please, send me the strength and the help that I need. Please."
Instantly, that room filled with angels-mothering souls carrying the strength and power and beauty of childbirth and I was restored. I pushed, and focused and pushed more. and it stung and burned more than I had ever thought possible. "the burning is completely normal," Heidi whispered in my ear as if right on cue. "It will be over soon. You can do this." So I kept pushing, knowing that the discomfort would only be momentary.
Then he crowned. Hold him there, Jill said. He has lots of dark hair. You can feel him if you want.
I reached down and for the first time, I felt my baby. The softest hair and softest little section of head. There he was- Dace. We were only seconds away from meeting.
Dallin loves to tell how that moment completely re-energized me. On the next contraction, I pushed and his head was out. One more big push and so was the rest of him. At 2:41am, Thursday, May 29, I became a mother to the most beautiful little baby boy I had ever known: Dace.
The euphoria that washed over me ...I don't think I can fully describe. All those amazing, natural hormones kick in to replace the pain and ignite the bonding experience and I felt incredible. Every negative feeling and sensation was gone. All I knew was utter and complete bliss that a new mother can only experience. Dace laid on my chest and reached his hand up to my face. He only squawked for a moment before settling in peacefully. When Dallin first spoke to him, Dace opened his eyes, lifted his head off my chest and looked over for him. He was a strong, smart, in tune little boy even at seconds old.
The chord slowed down quickly, Dallin cut it and Dace was taken to be dried off and dressed. I slowly stood up and stepped out to dry ground - now a mother. I had just given birth...and I had done it with bells on, as Jill said. I felt like superwoman. I did it. I had wanted a beautiful, peaceful, intimate, natural birth and that is exactly what we had. I was content...and tired.
After I was dried off and changed, I climbed ever so slowly into the queen size bed and slowly devoured half a bowl of cubed, ice cold watermelon- fruit never tasted so wonderful. Dallin crawled in beside me and Jill brought us Dace- all 8 lbs, 9oz, 21 inches of him. He latched on without a fuss and stared right into my eyes. What an incredible moment. What an amazing little one.
He ate quickly then drifted peacefully back to sleep. He nestled in between Dallin and I, mom tucked me in then headed home with Suz and Dallin and I fell asleep with Dace in between us, the first night as a new little family. Peace. Joy. Blessed.
It has been a quick and beautiful 4 years. That little boy just keeps getting smarter, more beautiful and more amazing every day. He loves his mama and he worships his daddy. He loves his sister and his brothers. He loves to sing. He loves trains. He loves cartoons, movies with popcorn, riding his bike, playing on the beach, going to the park, writing to do lists, coloring, being a mama's helper, vacuuming, playing outside. He is a happy, content, smart little boy who is kind and generous and loving and nothing but exceptional in every way. I have no idea what I did to deserve him not only as my son but as my first and I thank the Lord every day for the blessing he is to me and to our family. Happy birthday, Dace. My life is forever changed and blessed by you. I love you forever.
To see Suz's amazing photography slideshow, click here.
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